“This trip is going to be great, but what if I’m left out? I always end up sitting by myself, smiling at the others, wishing they would include me in the conversation. Why would they include me, I won’t have anything to contribute to the conversation anyway. I’m already nervous. It will just be me feeling alone again, in the middle of the group. Why am I always left out?”
Welcome to a tiny glimpse of the rat race in my mind, that keeps me awake for hours and impacts how I live my life. Correction–how I had been living my life. And, why I felt like a complete failure and fraud on the inside. I’m a Life Coach. I’m supposed to have my shit together, right? That’s what I kept telling myself. Most of my life was pretty great, but internally I had been isolating myself for a long time. The pressure I put on myself because of what I do for a living added to the isolation I created. However, a few weeks ago things began to unravel slowly, methodically in a sense, and connect—one to the other. I’ve become aware of the mess in my mind that was adding to messes in my life. Part 1. During a group telephone call with my money coach I opened the door just a crack and shared how I have sucked at managing money. With this admission came the flood of emotions that I’d been holding tight in my body for years. Sobs came as I said what I’d been so afraid to say, “ I’ve failed.” Whew. Deep breath. It was like a raging, rushing waterfall into a beautiful calm spring. “I’ve failed.” Is that the truth? Not exactly but it’s what I had been mentally telling myself for years and it felt so good to say it out loud. The truth. Since then I’ve thought about it often and can now say I haven’t failed. I’ve made mistakes, I hid and avoided but I didn’t fail. There is work to do but we are OK. I can say that now with complete confidence. This knowledge, truth has given me the power to begin making choices and changes that allow me to succeed when it comes to managing money. Part 2. I opened the door a little more while talking with friends about my business. I shared how frustrated I was because of the small number of paying clients I had. I explained the different ways I had been reaching out, sharing what I do, what I’m offering but still very few people were interested in working with me. Obviously I wasn’t meant to be a Life Coach. My friends, being the amazing coaches they are got inquisitive, asked questions and helped me get more clear on what my strengths are, what excites me about the people I work with and how I like to work with people. Tears of joy, giggles & big deep breaths were signals that I’ve been in the right place all along. I just needed more clarity. Part 3. The door opened wide while sitting in a room full of friends. I was a part of the group, but feeling just as I had worried I would feel. Throughout the evening I was able to slowly open up about how I felt because a highly intuitive friend pointed out that she “saw me”. I can’t put into writing the emotions I felt when hearing the words she spoke without my having to say anything. “I see you. You are supposed to be here.” But, I can say that it’s what I’ve needed to be told and feel for as long as I can remember and didn’t know it. The release of so many years of feeling unseen, unheard, and unwanted passed through in a few short waves. I knew without doubt I was supposed to be there with them at that very minute. Writing this post has been extremely difficult. It feels a bit naked but necessary. I was trying to think of a tie in, steps that you can take to begin opening your doors, but they’re not coming to me. I was trying to think of my reason for sharing, how to wrap this up and the only thing that keeps coming up is that it’s my story to share–my truth to stand in. I am human. I may fail but I am not a failure. I may break but I am not broken. I am supposed to be here right now, doing exactly what I’m doing. Sharing my story with you. We all have a story and our truth. I encourage you to share and stand in yours. You are seen. You are supposed to be here.
