It’s 5:31am, my eyes pop wide open and instantly the same stories that have been running through my mind for weeks start rolling, like a bad movie. I lay there, wishing I could just go back to sleep and stop the fear, the worry and the anxiety. I let a few tears flow, like always, but this morning, one thing is different—I don’t stop them, I give into how I’ve been feeling. I lay there; sobbing so hard I can barely breathe through my tears and stuffy nose. Eventually, they slow to a trickle, my mind eases, I say some prayers and go back to a peaceful sleep. I am even visited in my dream, by a friend—letting me know all is well.
If you’re like me, you’re good at putting on a “happy face”, telling everyone you’re doing great, trying to convince yourself that you really are, when actually—you feel like you’re falling to pieces inside. You want to cry, you want to scream, you want to talk about it, but you don’t want to feel needy, or as if you’re asking for something from others. So, you keep it in and keep moving forward, hitting what feels like one roadblock at a time, but with a smile plastered on your face because “its OK”.
Doing this doesn’t serve you or those you love. Shutting them out, not letting them in, not letting them support and care for you when you need it most is unfair not only you, but to them. The way to get through whatever you’re dealing with and get back on the path to what you want is to let down the walls. Stop resisting. Feel whatever you need to feel–give into the emotions. Whether it’s anger, fear, anxiety, sadness…. feel it. The more you feel it, the quicker it will pass. It may come in waves for awhile, that’s OK. That’s normal. Waves are so much easier to handle than high tide that doesn’t go out and holds you under.
Once you begin experiencing the emotions it’s easier to open up–being completely honest about what is going on and how you’re feeling. That doesn’t mean telling your story to everybody you know, it means being honest with yourself, with your friends and family that you feel safe with and trust. Doing this allows you to let down the walls–to receive, to be loved and to give love back.
When you are open, accepting and willing to receive you begin to notice that the path you thought was blocked has other ways around. There are options. They may be challenging, you may need to change your plan or move into a completely new direction, but you’re never completely blocked with no out.
This is a picture from my daughter…..made for me, even after I asked her to leave me alone to cry. It broke my heart into about 1000 pieces and then allowed my walls to crumble.
Right now, I’m being the most open I think I’ve ever been and I’m seeing the options. Through the tears I’m smiling and there is hope. What about you? What do you feel?
